The Weight of Shame
Shame is a deep-rooted belief that “I am wrong,” “I am broken,” or “I am unlovable”, often developed during childhood abuse and trauma and is reinforced by secrecy, blame or silence.
Shame caused from Sexual abuse is a heavy load many survivors carry and is often one of the biggest barriers to them seeking support. It’s hard to seek support when shame is whispering or more often screaming “I am bad.” “I am not good enough”. Shame controls what we believe we deserve.
Survivors can carry shame for years, silently but not always invisibly, shame can affect many aspects of our lives. It effects our Mental health, causing anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts and our ability to form positive connections.
The attachment styles we adopt are deeply rooted in childhood experiences, often resulting in avoidance, people pleasing, hyper vigilance, insecurity, poor boundary setting, fear of intimacy and keeping the guard up so no one can hurt us again.
Shame shapes our sense of self, tapping into our self worth and esteem, Shame causes painful feelings of worthlessness, feeling rotten, disgusting, that I am fundamentally flawed, I am not good enough, these are just a few of many feelings shame evokes.
Shame causes isolation, it makes us want to disappear from everything, we want to avoid being seen. The negative voice, our inner critic can become so loud in our heads, reinforcing all the bad things we truly believe about ourselves.
Alanis Morissette’s song Perfect resonates with me when thinking of shame from sexual abuse, that feeling of never feeling good enough, the pressure to strive for perfection, the conditions of worth placed upon us to always aim to please, and the silencing of our voice.
“How long before you screw it up How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up With everything I do for you The least you can do is keep quiet”
Morissette, A. (1995). Perfect. On Jagged Little Pill [CD]. Maverick Records
“Be a good boy Push a little farther now That wasn’t fast enough To make us happy We’ll love you just the way you are If you’re perfect”
Morissette, A. (1995). Perfect. On Jagged Little Pill [CD]. Maverick Records
Can Shame be beneficial?
You may wonder how something so painful and debilitating can have a benefit? But shame does have a purpose. It can serve as a warning sign, an alarm going off when our boundaries have been crossed or when we are acting against our values and morals.
Shame can influence us to make choices that align with our values, develop empathy, and think about our actions.
The shame you hold is misplaced; you are carrying the shame of the perpetrator.
How can KASP help?
KASP provides a safe space, offering care and empathy without judgment.
At KASP you never have to disclose anything you don’t want or are not ready to, we can help you understand shame, working together so it hopefully loses some of its power.
KASP can help you:
- Challenge false beliefs.
- Process trauma safely, in ways that work for you as an individual always going at your pace and to your comfort and readiness.
- Develop coping skills to manage triggers and flashbacks.
We can sit beside you with your shame, help you understand it, and help you to learn how to respond to yourself with self-compassion.
Healing the wound of shame is possible, it was never yours to carry yet it became your burden to bear. Healing begins when we start to bring that burden into the light, into a safe, caring supportive space, then with hope the burden can begin to crumble away loosening shames grip and easing that load.
“Shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces.”
Ann Voskamp
June 18, 2020
Book Recommendation
Unashame:
Discover the Healing Power of Compassion by Carolyn Spring (2018).
Carolyn Spring also has some great free resources and podcasts on her website for shame and other areas childhood sexual abuse impacts.